Why Your Small Group Isn't Enough (And What to Do About It)
I'd been in the same small group for four years when I finally admitted it to myself: I wasn't growing.
Don't get me wrong -- I loved our group. The hosts made amazing snacks. We laughed a lot. When my dad got sick, these were the people who showed up with meals. We'd been through job losses, new babies, and cross-country moves together.
But spiritually? I was stuck. The same sin I struggled with four years ago still had its hooks in me. My prayer life was still anemic. My knowledge of Scripture hadn't deepened. I'd share the same sanitized prayer requests week after week, and nobody seemed to notice -- or care -- that I was treading water.
One night, driving home after group, I finally named what I'd been avoiding: I needed more than this. Not instead of small group -- but in addition to it.
That realization led me to seek out an older man in our church who agreed to meet with me one-on-one. And in six months of those meetings, I grew more than I had in the previous four years of small group combined.
Here's what I learned: small groups and discipleship aren't the same thing. They serve different purposes. And if you're relying on one to do the other's job, you'll end up frustrated and stuck.
What Small Groups Do Well
Let's be clear: small groups are valuable. They provide:
Community. You know people beyond Sunday morning. You have a place to belong.
Support. When crisis hits, your group shows up with meals and prayers.
Discussion. You process the sermon or a book together. Multiple perspectives sharpen understanding.
Accountability (light). You share prayer requests and someone might ask about them later.
Entry point. Small groups are often the first step from attending to belonging.
These are real benefits. Churches with healthy small group ministries are stronger for it.
But here's the thing: small groups have a ceiling.
The Small Group Ceiling
1. You Can Hide in a Group
In a group of 8-12 people, you can share just enough to seem engaged without really being vulnerable. You can nod along, contribute a thought or two, and leave unchanged.
Nobody notices what you're not saying. Nobody pushes past the surface.
2. Conversations Stay Surface-Level
Group dynamics encourage safety. When multiple people are listening, you self-censor. You share what's acceptable, not what's raw.
"I've been stressed at work" is group-appropriate. "I've been looking at things I shouldn't be looking at" is not.
3. One-Size-Fits-All Content
The group studies whatever the curriculum covers -- regardless of what each individual actually needs. Your marriage might be in crisis while the group discusses evangelism. The content isn't customized to your life.
4. Accountability Without Depth
Prayer request accountability is shallow by nature. "How did that thing go?" "Oh, better, thanks." And you move on.
Real accountability asks follow-up questions. It gets specific. It notices when you're deflecting. Groups rarely go there.
5. Everyone Is a Peer
Small groups are peer relationships. That's their strength -- mutuality, shared experience, horizontal community.
But growth also requires vertical relationships. You need someone ahead of you to show you the path. And you need someone behind you to force you to articulate what you've learned.
What One-on-One Discipleship Adds
One-on-one discipleship fills the gaps small groups can't reach:
Depth Without an Audience
When it's just you and one other person, you can't hide. There's no one else to carry the conversation. Silence is uncomfortable. Honesty becomes possible.
You can share the things you'd never say in a group -- the sin you're struggling with, the doubt you're wrestling with, the fear you're ashamed of.
Customized Focus
Discipleship adapts to you. If you're struggling with anger, you work on anger. If your marriage needs help, you focus there. The curriculum serves your actual needs, not the group's average.
Real Accountability
One person asking specific questions is harder to dodge than a group asking general ones.
"Last week you said you were going to have that conversation with your wife. Did you?"
That's accountability. And it changes behavior.
Mentoring and Modeling
In a discipling relationship, someone further along shows you what faithfulness looks like. You don't just hear about prayer -- you watch them pray. You don't just discuss marriage -- you see how they treat their spouse.
You can imitate someone you know closely. You can't imitate a group.
Multiplication
Small groups grow by splitting -- which often feels like death. Discipleship grows by multiplication. You disciple someone, they disciple someone, and the faith spreads exponentially.
That's the Jesus model. Twelve became thousands became millions -- through personal investment, not group dynamics.
Why You Need Both
This isn't small groups vs. discipleship. It's both/and.
Small groups provide community. You need a tribe. You need people to do life with, celebrate wins, and share burdens.
Discipleship provides depth. You need someone who knows your real story and walks with you through the hard parts.
Think of it like nutrition:
- Small groups are vegetables -- good for general health, essential for community.
- Discipleship is protein -- builds strength, drives growth.
You need both to thrive.
How to Add Discipleship to Your Life
If you're in a small group but not in a discipling relationship, here's how to add one:
Option 1: Find a Mentor in Your Group
Is there someone in your group who's further along spiritually? Someone whose faith, marriage, or character you respect?
Ask them: "Would you be willing to meet with me one-on-one occasionally to help me grow in [specific area]?"
Option 2: Ask Your Small Group Leader
Tell your leader you want to go deeper. Ask if they'd be willing to meet with you individually, or if they know someone who might.
Leaders often love being asked. It shows you're serious about growth.
Option 3: Look Beyond Your Group
Your mentor doesn't have to be in your small group. Look around your church, workplace, or community. Who do you respect? Who has walked a road you want to learn from?
Option 4: Become a Discipler Yourself
Maybe you're the one who should be pouring into someone else. Teaching forces you to grow. Investing in someone else's faith deepens your own.
Look for a newer believer or someone less experienced in an area where you've grown.
What If Your Church Doesn't Have Discipleship?
Some churches are so small group-focused that one-on-one discipleship isn't even on the radar. What do you do?
Start informally. You don't need a program. You need a person. Identify someone, start meeting, and see what God does.
Ask your pastor. Share your desire for deeper discipleship. Many pastors would love for more of their people to pursue this -- they just don't know there's demand.
Use a tool like DisciplePair. DisciplePair gives you everything you need -- curriculum, structure, reminders, check-ins -- without requiring your church to have a formal program.
Be a pioneer. Start a discipleship relationship. Tell others about it. Model what's possible. Your church's culture might change because you went first.
A Simple Structure for One-on-One
If you're ready to add discipleship, here's a simple meeting structure:
1. Connect (10-15 min)
How are you really doing? What's going on in your life?
2. Account (10 min)
How did last week's commitments go? Where did you follow through? Where did you struggle?
3. Study (20-30 min)
Read Scripture together. Discuss what it means and how it applies.
4. Apply (10 min)
What's one specific thing you're going to do differently this week?
5. Pray (10 min)
Pray for each other's challenges, families, and growth.
Meet weekly or every other week. Consistency matters more than frequency.
How DisciplePair Helps
We built DisciplePair for exactly this purpose -- helping individuals add intentional discipleship relationships to their lives.
What you get:
- Curriculum for every session -- Scripture, questions, action steps
- Check-in tracking to maintain consistency
- Reminders so meetings don't slip
- Prayer journal to share and track requests
- Progress tracking to see how far you've come
You don't need to wait for your church to launch a program. You can start today with one person and one tool.
Start your first discipleship pair -- it's free.
The Question
Your small group is good. But is it enough?
If you've been attending for years without deep transformation, it might be time to add something more.
Find one person. Start one relationship. Go deeper than the group can take you.
Your spiritual growth depends on it.