Men's Discipleship: Why Every Christian Man Needs a Mentor
Here's a stat that should bother us: the average adult man has zero close friends.
Not a few. Zero.
Men have drinking buddies. Fantasy football leagues. Coworkers they grab lunch with. But genuine friendships -- where someone asks how your soul is doing? Where you can admit you're struggling? Where you're actually known?
Those are vanishingly rare.
I was one of those men for years. I went to church, served on the tech team, even taught Sunday school once. But I was isolated in the ways that mattered most. Nobody knew I was barely holding my marriage together. Nobody knew about my struggle with anger. Nobody was walking with me through the hard stuff.
Then an older guy at church -- a retired contractor named Bill -- invited me to meet on Friday mornings. Just coffee and conversation. He'd been following Jesus for forty years and had seen most of the things I was facing. Over the next two years, Bill changed my life.
This article is about why that kind of relationship matters -- and how to find or be a Bill.
The Crisis Nobody Talks About
Let's be honest about what's happening with men.
Suicide rates among men are nearly four times higher than women. Addiction and pornography usage are epidemic. Fatherlessness has reached catastrophic levels. Men are more likely to be lonely, disconnected, and spiritually drifting than at any point in modern history.
The church isn't exempt. Men attend services at lower rates than women. They're less likely to be in small groups. And they're far less likely to have meaningful spiritual relationships.
Meanwhile, the cultural messages about masculinity have become incoherent. Men are told to be strong but also soft. Leaders but not domineering. Vulnerable but not weak. It's paralyzing.
The solution isn't a better sermon series on manhood (though those can help). It's older men investing in younger men. One-on-one. Over time. With honesty and intentionality.
Why Men Need Men
Some challenges are universal. Others are distinctly male.
Consider what's on the average Christian man's plate:
- Leading a family spiritually (when no one taught him how)
- Navigating marriage and becoming a husband worth following
- Fighting lust in a world designed to exploit it
- Finding meaning in work without being defined by it
- Managing anger, pride, and the need for control
- Providing and performing without burning out
These aren't things you figure out from YouTube videos. You need a man who's walked the road ahead of you to show you what faithfulness looks like in the trenches.
Jesus understood this. He chose twelve men and invested three years in them -- not from a stage, but over meals, walking dusty roads, handling crises together. That's the model.
What Men's Discipleship Actually Looks Like
It's not complicated. Two men meeting regularly to:
- Study Scripture together. Not academically -- personally. What does this mean for your life?
- Share honestly. What's actually going on? Where are you struggling? Where are you winning?
- Hold each other accountable. Did you do what you said? How's your thought life? Your marriage? Your integrity?
- Pray for each other. Out loud. Specifically. Regularly.
That's it. The magic isn't in a fancy curriculum. It's in showing up consistently and being real.
Topics That Matter for Men
When I meet with younger men, certain areas come up over and over:
Identity. Too many men find identity in their job title, income, athletic ability, or sexual conquest. Discipleship recenters identity in Christ -- you're a son of God before you're anything else.
Marriage. How do you actually lead your wife? What does sacrificial love look like when you're exhausted and frustrated? This can't be learned from books alone.
Sexual integrity. Pornography isn't a youth problem -- it's a man problem. Every generation of men battles lust. You need someone you can be brutally honest with.
Work. Men spend most of their waking hours at jobs. How do you work as unto the Lord? How do you resist making your career an idol?
Anger. Many men have never learned to manage their temper. The fruit of the Spirit includes self-control. This takes practice, and it helps to be accountable.
Fatherhood. What does it mean to raise children who love Jesus? How do you discipline without crushing? How do you stay engaged when you're tired?
How to Find a Mentor
If you need a mentor, here's the path:
Look around. Who in your church or community is further along in faith? Whose marriage do you respect? Who seems to handle pressure with integrity?
Ask directly. Most men won't volunteer to mentor you. You have to ask. Something like: "I've respected how you [lead your family / handle your work / etc.]. Would you be open to meeting with me occasionally to help me grow in that area?"
Be specific. Don't just say "I want to grow." Name your actual need: "I'm struggling with my temper and need help."
Show up reliably. If someone agrees to invest in you, don't waste their time. Be on time. Be prepared. Follow through on commitments.
How to Be a Mentor
Maybe God is calling you to invest in a younger man. Here's how:
You're ready. You don't need to be perfect. You need to be honest about your own journey -- including failures. Younger men don't need heroes; they need guides who are real.
Take initiative. Look for younger men in your church, workplace, or neighborhood. Extend an invitation: "Want to grab breakfast once a week and talk about life and faith?"
Create safety for honesty. Men wear masks. Your job is to create an environment where the mask can come off. That means you go first -- share your struggles, your fears, your failures.
Ask hard questions. Don't settle for surface conversation. Ask: How's your marriage really? What are you struggling with that you haven't told anyone? Are you looking at things you shouldn't? Where have you compromised this week?
Point to Christ. You're not the hero. Jesus is. Keep turning conversations back to the gospel -- grace for failure, power for change, hope for the future.
A Simple Meeting Framework
Here's a one-hour format that works:
Catch up (10 min): What's going on? Work? Family? Wins or struggles?
Accountability (10 min): How did you do with last week's commitments? Bible reading? Prayer? Areas of temptation?
Scripture (20 min): Read a passage together. Discuss what it means and how it applies.
Challenge (10 min): What's one specific thing you're going to do differently this week?
Prayer (10 min): Pray for each other's challenges, families, and growth.
The Ripple Effect
When men disciple men, things change.
Isolation breaks. Sin loses power in the light. Marriages get healthier. Churches are strengthened by engaged men rather than passive observers. And the effects ripple into the next generation -- a discipled father disciples his sons.
Bill didn't just help me. He helped my marriage, my kids, my leadership at church. The investment multiplied far beyond our Friday morning coffees.
If you're a man reading this, here's the invitation:
If you need a mentor, make a list of three men you respect. This week, ask one of them to meet with you.
If you could be a mentor, think of one younger man who would benefit from your investment. Reach out.
The world needs men who have been shaped by other faithful men. It always has.
If you want structure for your mentoring relationship, DisciplePair offers a Biblical Manhood curriculum covering identity, marriage, work, integrity, and more -- with questions and Scripture for each session.