What to Do When Your Discipleship Relationship Isn't Working
You've been meeting for a few months now. You're both Christians. You both said yes to this discipleship relationship. But somewhere along the way, things started feeling off.
Maybe the conversations feel forced. Maybe one person keeps canceling. Maybe you're going through the motions but nothing's really happening. You're left wondering: Is this normal? Should we push through? Or is it time to call it?
Here's what most people won't tell you: discipleship problems are incredibly common. Almost every mentoring relationship hits a rough patch. The difference between relationships that thrive and those that fizzle out isn't whether they face challenges—it's how they respond when things get hard.
Let's talk about what to do when your discipleship relationship isn't working, how to diagnose the real issue, and when to pivot versus when to gracefully end things.
Why Discipleship Relationships Struggle
Before you can fix the problem, you need to understand what's actually wrong. Most struggling discipleship relationships fall into one of these categories.
Mismatched Expectations
This is the number one killer of discipleship relationships. You thought you were signing up for weekly coffee and spiritual encouragement. They thought you were their personal Bible encyclopedia who'd have answers to every theological question. Or maybe you expected deep vulnerability from day one, while they needed six months to build trust.
Neither person is wrong—you just never aligned on what this relationship would actually look like. Without clarity upfront, you're both aiming at different targets and wondering why the other person seems confused.
Life Season Conflicts
Sometimes the timing is just genuinely bad. Your disciple started a new job that has them working sixty-hour weeks. You just had a baby. Someone's walking through a family crisis that's consuming all their emotional bandwidth.
These aren't character flaws—they're real limitations. The question becomes whether the season is temporary (push through) or indefinite (might need to pause or end).
Different Commitment Levels
One person shows up every week having completed the study, thought through questions, and ready to go deep. The other person texts "sorry running late" fifteen minutes after your scheduled start time and clearly didn't look at anything you sent.
This isn't always about laziness. Sometimes people genuinely overestimate what they can commit to. But when commitment levels don't match, resentment builds quickly.
Personality or Communication Style Clashes
You process out loud and think through talking. They're internal processors who need silence. You're direct and value honesty. They're sensitive and feel criticized easily. You love theological discussions. They just want practical application.
None of these differences are dealbreakers on their own, but they require intentional navigation. Left unaddressed, they create constant friction that wears both people down.
Spiritual Maturity Gaps (Too Wide or Too Narrow)
Ironically, discipleship can struggle both when the gap is too wide and when it's too narrow. If the mentor is thirty years ahead spiritually, the disciple might feel like they can never relate or measure up. If they're too close in maturity, there's not enough differential to create momentum.
The sweet spot is usually where the mentor is far enough ahead to guide meaningfully but close enough to remember what the disciple's current struggles feel like.
Unclear Purpose or Direction
You meet every week and talk about... something. Bible study? Prayer requests? Life updates? A bit of everything? Without a clear framework, discipleship relationships can drift into generic friendship (which is valuable, but different) or aimless conversation that leaves both people wondering what the point is.
Proverbs 29:18 reminds us, "Where there is no vision, the people perish." Discipleship relationships need vision too—a sense of where you're headed together.
How to Diagnose the Real Problem
Before you can solve anything, you need honest assessment. Here's how to figure out what's actually going wrong.
Ask Yourself First
Before bringing concerns to your discipleship partner, do some internal work:
Be honest about your own contribution. Are you showing up distracted? Canceling frequently? Dominating conversations? Being defensive when challenged? It's easy to focus on what the other person is doing wrong while overlooking your own issues.
Check your expectations. Are they realistic? Are they even spoken? You might be frustrated that your disciple isn't growing faster, but have you actually communicated what growth looks like to you?
Consider your motives. Why did you enter this relationship? Are you still operating from those motives, or have they shifted? Sometimes our frustration stems from wanting something the relationship was never designed to provide.
Assess the effort-to-fruit ratio. Every discipleship relationship requires effort, but healthy ones produce fruit over time—deeper faith, changed behavior, growing wisdom. If you're pouring massive energy in with zero return after six months, something needs to change.
Look for Patterns, Not One-Off Issues
Someone canceling once isn't a pattern. Canceling four times in six weeks is. One awkward conversation isn't a crisis. Every conversation feeling awkward might be.
Track what's actually happening, not just what it feels like. Our feelings are valid but can sometimes amplify isolated incidents into bigger problems than they are.
Consider External Factors
Is the struggle about the relationship, or is it about circumstances surrounding it? Maybe the problem isn't your discipleship dynamic—it's that you're trying to meet at 6 AM and your disciple is not a morning person. Maybe the study material you chose doesn't fit their learning style.
External factors are often easier to change than relational dynamics. Start there before assuming the relationship itself is broken.
Having the Honest Conversation
Once you've identified the issue, you need to address it directly. This is where most people bail instead of doing the hard work of honest communication.
Initiate with Humility and Care
"Speaking the truth in love" (Ephesians 4:15) doesn't mean being brutally honest while tacking "but I care about you" on the end. It means approaching hard conversations with genuine affection and humility.
Try something like: "I've been reflecting on our time together, and I want to make sure we're both getting what we need from this. Can we talk about how things are going for you?"
That's non-accusatory, invites their perspective first, and signals that you care about their experience, not just your own frustration.
Use "I" Statements, Not "You" Accusations
"You never complete the homework" will make someone defensive immediately. "I've noticed we often start from scratch each week, and I'm wondering if the preparation I'm suggesting feels too heavy" opens a conversation.
The difference is massive. One attacks character; the other identifies a dynamic and invites problem-solving.
Ask Questions Before Making Assumptions
"I've noticed you've canceled several times recently. What's going on?" is far better than "It seems like this isn't a priority for you."
Maybe they're genuinely overwhelmed. Maybe they're avoiding something uncomfortable. Maybe they don't realize how often they've canceled. You won't know until you ask.
Be Specific About What's Not Working
Vague frustration doesn't help anyone. "This just isn't working" leaves your partner confused and hurt. "I feel like we spend most of our time on surface-level updates and rarely get to deeper spiritual conversations" gives them something concrete to respond to.
> Struggling to keep your discipleship relationship on track? DisciplePair helps mentors and mentees stay aligned with structured check-ins, shared curriculum, and conversation prompts that keep relationships growing. Start free.
Listen Without Defending
This is the hardest part. When they share their perspective, really listen. Don't mentally prepare your rebuttal. Don't minimize their concerns. Don't explain why they're wrong to feel that way.
Even if you disagree with their perception, their experience is real to them. Understanding it is the first step toward resolution.
Collaborate on Solutions
Don't come to the conversation with the fix already determined. Brainstorm together. "What would help?" "What could we change?" "What's working that we should keep?"
When both people have ownership of the solution, buy-in is exponentially higher.
When to Pivot vs. When to End
Not every struggling relationship needs to end. But not every relationship should continue in its current form either. Here's how to know which path forward is right.
Signs You Should Pivot (Change Format, Not End)
The relationship is good but the structure isn't. Maybe weekly is too much but bi-weekly would work. Maybe mornings don't fit their schedule. Maybe the curriculum you chose isn't resonating but a different approach would.
You're in different life seasons temporarily. If someone just had a baby, started grad school, or is in a demanding season, you might shift to monthly check-ins for six months rather than ending completely.
The issue is addressable with clear communication. If the problem is mismatched expectations or unclear direction, a candid conversation and recalibration can completely turn things around.
Both people want it to work and are willing to adjust. Willingness is everything. If both parties say, "Yes, I want this to continue, and I'm open to changing how we do it," you have something to build on.
Pivoting might look like:
- Changing meeting frequency or duration
- Switching to a different curriculum or study material
- Adding more structure (or removing rigid structure)
- Focusing on one specific area instead of trying to cover everything
- Taking a defined break with a plan to resume
Signs It Might Be Time to End
Repeated patterns with no change despite conversations. If you've had the honest conversation multiple times and nothing shifts, continuing is just prolonging frustration for both of you.
One or both people aren't actually committed. You can't disciple someone who doesn't want to be discipled. And you can't maintain a discipleship relationship when your own life circumstances genuinely don't allow for it.
The relationship has become harmful. If there's manipulation, control, emotional dependency, or consistent hurt, ending is the loving thing to do. Discipleship should build people up, not tear them down.
You've genuinely tried everything. Sometimes relationships just don't click, and that's okay. You've prayed, adjusted, communicated, and given it genuine effort. At a certain point, releasing both people to find better-fit relationships is wisdom, not failure.
Core values or theology are incompatible. If you're discovering fundamental disagreements about Scripture, the gospel, or Christian living, you might not be the right person to disciple them. That doesn't mean either of you is wrong—it might just mean someone else would be a better fit.
Ecclesiastes 3:6 reminds us there is "a time to keep, and a time to cast away." Discernment about which season you're in is a gift of wisdom.
How to End Well If You Need To
If you determine it's time to end the relationship, do it with grace and clarity.
Be Direct and Kind
Don't ghost. Don't make excuses. Don't slowly fade out hoping they'll get the hint. Schedule a conversation and be honest: "I've been praying about our discipleship relationship, and I think we need to bring it to a close."
You don't need to over-explain or list all their shortcomings. Keep it simple and focused on the decision, not a litany of grievances.
Frame It as Season-Based, Not Failure-Based
"This season of life doesn't allow me to give this relationship the attention it deserves" is true and kind. "I don't think this is the right fit for where each of us is at right now" acknowledges the mismatch without blame.
Even if the real reason is "you never showed up," you don't need to deliver that as a final blow. Offer dignity.
Suggest Next Steps or Alternatives
If possible, help them find their next step. "I think you'd really benefit from connecting with someone who specializes in biblical counseling" or "Would it be helpful if I introduced you to another mentor in our church who might be a better fit?"
You're not responsible for solving everything for them, but a little guidance can keep them from feeling abandoned.
Don't Make It Personal
This is crucial: ending a discipleship relationship is not a referendum on someone's worth or spiritual potential. It's acknowledging that this particular pairing, in this particular season, isn't bearing the fruit God intends.
Make that clear. "This isn't about you not being 'discipleship-worthy.' I genuinely think there's someone else who'd be better equipped to help you in this season."
Offer Closure, Not Drama
Close well. Pray together. Affirm the good that did happen. Release each other graciously. Don't leave the door open if you know you're truly done—that's unkind. But don't slam it either.
Moving Forward: What You've Learned
Whether you pivot or end, struggling discipleship relationships teach you something. Maybe you've learned you need more structure. Maybe you've discovered your capacity is lower than you thought. Maybe you've realized you need to set clearer expectations upfront.
Don't waste the struggle. Let it shape how you approach future relationships. "Iron sharpens iron" (Proverbs 27:17) sometimes means friction—but that friction can refine you if you let it.
Not Every Relationship Will Thrive—And That's Okay
Here's the freeing truth: not every discipleship relationship is supposed to last forever or produce dramatic transformation. Some are for a season. Some teach you as much about yourself as they do about discipleship. Some end, and that's okay.
Jesus poured three years into twelve disciples, and one betrayed him. Even the perfect mentor had a relationship that didn't work out the way he hoped. Your struggling discipleship relationship doesn't make you a failure—it makes you human.
But before you give up, do the work. Have the hard conversation. Be honest about what's not working. Be open to change. Be willing to pivot if that's what's needed. And be courageous enough to end well if that's the wise path.
Because sometimes the most loving thing you can do—for both of you—is acknowledge the truth and free each other to find relationships where you both can flourish.
Ready to Build Healthier Discipleship Relationships?
The difference between discipleship relationships that struggle and those that thrive often comes down to clarity, structure, and consistent communication. DisciplePair provides the framework to keep mentoring relationships healthy—with guided check-ins, conversation prompts, and tools to navigate challenges before they derail your progress.
Start your free account and set your next discipleship relationship up for success from day one.